Feeling... disconnected.

[αℓℓı]

Okay, for the record, I am not leaving until you cart away my corpse or I'm the only one standing on a burned-down region known as Kairuu. I just felt like saying this; maybe you can offer advice.

I've felt like this a couple times before--but only fleetingly. Never like I do right now, and while it may pass, as well, I've been thinking lately. A lot. Dangerous, I know. But especially lately I've been feeling really disconnected from things. Not just one thing or another, but everything. I know it's probably just my depression (I should be on medication for that but... nah, it's too much of a hassle and costs money), but still. Because it includes Kairuu. I look at Kairuu and it feels... like it has nothing to do with me. I don't know. I'll read things I've written, like rules or board descriptions, and I wont' even remember writing it, nor will it sound like something I would have written.

I hate it.

Revamping Kairuu the first time--going to the new URL, Kairuu Kolme--was so much fun. It was easy. This time? I really hate it because it's really confusing. It's not starting from scratch. It's just editing. And because everything is old it feels almost stale. Before, every single thing was typed up within that span of time, that summer break, by Jen and I. It was all new and just... I honestly can't think of a good word for it. It just felt complete by the time we were done. Now, I'm having the urge to redo it all on my own, retype everything; tear it all down and scratch it back up. Because we're not planning on retyping everything--that'd be dumb because it's all done WELL. It's just my OCD, I know, but it still pisses me off because even the new things feel old by the next day to me. The new layout? Maybe it's just because I've been around it longer than the rest of you, since I made it, but it feels just WAY too old.

When we were doing Kolme for the first time we knew all the stuff we had to do because it wasn't THERE yet. But now we have it all. We just have to CHANGE things. There's no definite finish line, just a pile of stuff to be redone, cleaned, and organized. Like moving into a new house. You KNOW when all your old belongings are in place and good. But when you're redoing it, while it can be fun (the interior designer wannabe inside of me is laughing right now, I swear), you have everything, but the challenge is in cleaning each little thing, polishing it, putting it in it's place.

Okay, really bad, stupid analogy, because reorganizing a room is easy. This isn't.

It's stressful, too, for obvious reasons, obvious "what if"s, obvious various stresses.

I won't quit. Never. I've been on this for so long that it's glued to my brain.

So. Mh. I don't know. I don't know what to do to make this feel fresh for me. Doing the whole "new URL again" thing is far too much work on both Jen and I and the rest of you, it's a definite NO. Not even an option to consider. Obviously.

I'm just ranting/venting I guess. Someone sneak me some Paxil or Zanex or whatever. Maybe that'll help. Pft.

Okay, for anyone who read this stupidity, I apologize for wasting your time. xD

[meno]

I actually kind of get where you're coming from, maybe. The difference between changing what's already there and creating. Like, I can imagine, that there is a thrill in something 'new' and 'different', which was the situation when moving to Kolme. But now that it's just rearranging, modifying, adding certain details... it's a different.

Maybe this doesn't feel 'fresh' because, basically, we're stuck in waiting pattern? Like... When this place reopens, it's going to be different, surely. Bustling activity, new members, etc etc. I'm sure, when that time comes, a lot of us will feel that inspiration that Kairuu always gave off.

Oh, and that 'has nothing to do with me.' Is just utter crap. And you know it. Both you and Near worked your asses off for Kolme, this place wouldn't be standing like this if it wasn't for the both of you. I can't see how someone who's created half of the site feeling like it had nothing to do with them. :/

Now, I don't know all of the stress you must be going through, being an Admin and all, but I think both you and Jen should give yourself breathe time. Stress isn't productive at all. And jesus christ, Kairuu has and always will be the most amazing Pok?mon forum out there, I've seen a lot of other places; just utter shit. I know you said that 'its never enough' but still, you have to balance yourself.

But if you still feeling unconnected to a creation that's basically half your child now, then do whatever you feel to get the connectivity back. Make new skins, more this, more that, etc etc. Just know that everyone on Kairuu has your back and we always will.

...Okay, I think I'm rambling now.
But, I just didn't want you to think that no one's listening, because I am. And, I know I can't completely understand, but I'd like to do what I can, for you.

Um, yeah. That's it. I hope you feel better.