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Post by αℓℓı on Jul 23, 2009 12:48:49 GMT -5
Approval Via Roleplay Sample
We here at Kairuu are of the advanced literate variety, and we prefer to keep it that way. So, to keep people from getting up in a tizzy about wasted time filling out a character application with the roleplay sample on the end--only to be rejected for whatever reason--we've decided that you must provide a roleplay sample, and be accepted, before you may start on a character application.
That way, if you're rejected, you don't waste your time, and we don't have to feel bad.
Simply post three roleplay samples, in LINK form. These must NOT be introductory posts, but normal, run-of-the-mill replies. We prefer to have your most recent samples, please, but if you can't provide relatively recent samples, leave a note in your post that says they are a bit old, and we'll take that into consideration.
If you've been rejected, please do not cause a scene. If you have been accepted, your member group will be changed to 'Member' and your username will be a different color--black, actually.
Only admins may approve people.
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cυpcaкє
Newcomer
gir ♥ cupcake
Posts: 1
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Post by cυpcaкє on Aug 6, 2009 1:07:29 GMT -5
Erased. I'll try back later.
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Post by αℓℓı on Aug 6, 2009 1:40:31 GMT -5
CupcakeJen and I both come to a mutual agreement on the following review of your roleplay samples. The style displayed in your three samples is very juvenile; Kairuu is a very mature site and not for people who are used to the happy, carefree, leg's-hold-hands-and-be-best-friends style that dominates the Pokémon RP world. Your timeframe skips around, you seem to avoid certain words important to proper sentences, and your punctuation is lacking. A tilde (~) is not proper punctuation to be used in writing--in OOC it may be fine, but definitely not when actually writing. You may say this is old, but even considering that, we agree that you would have had to improve fairly drastically to be about the level that Kairuu looks for in it's members. Unfortunately you could not provide any newer samples to show such an improvement, and, thus, we have to reject you. Allow me to suggest some alternate sites for your roleplaying level. Torrenta Region, Remoor Region, and Anrui Region would all be good options; but a warning that, due to some old internal drama and the former owner retiring, Anrui may or may not survive. *Review Status: Rejected. *Member Status: Is free to come back to try again in the future.
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Post by .nevermore__. on Aug 6, 2009 10:55:38 GMT -5
Well the first two aren't Pokémon related but I wasn't sure if they were required, if that's the case than I'll go find two more. However, the last one is from another Pokémon roleplaying site, so yeah...Here you go. There were way to many things running through her head at the time, and frankly it was just one of those days where everything you have done, and the things that you may have regretted doing in the first place. Yes, Spencer was having one of those days, and frankly she couldn't say she was enjoying it very much. In fact it was causing her to be more or less on the annoyed side of things, where one thing could really make her go a head and simply snap. It was one of those things that made Spencer want to avoid everyone that was around here, so there was little to no chance that she would end up running into someone that she did know. Which was why she was currently roaming around in the middle of the La Push wilderness. If she could get away from people, than she would do her best to do just that, and so far, for most of that day Spencer had managed to do just that.
Pushing some of her hair out of her face Spencer grumbled under her breath and looked up towards the trees for a second as she kept on walking. Life was way to complicated for her sometimes, even if it wasn't something that did involve her. She just felt like somethings where going on around her, when it came to her friends and family that maybe she couldn't place. It was not something that she was used to feeling, feeling like maybe there was something going on. And Spencer was the one who was being kept in the dark for her. She groaned under her breath slightly before then looking down to the ground for a second and then kicked a couple of the small rocks that she saw, before looking upwards once more, and when she did this she then paused for a brief second. Her nose wrinkled in disgust, when she realized that there was someone in the woods with her that there was someone here, someone who was not supposed to be here at all. The wolf in her was starting to kick in as a low sort of growl then escaping from her lips before she then carefully scanned the area around her, she could pick up the sound of someone speaking quietly. In a voice that could be described as rather freakisly calm.
"The itsy bitsy spider..."
The voice chanted, and the sound of a crow could be heard as Spencer slowly started to creep closer and closer to the area. Pausing when she felt the scent was stronger and slowly she flinched as she then took the form of a werewolf. Sure was sure that the vampire had known she was there, she would have been able to pick up on Spencer's scent. And yet so far, whoever it was had made no motion of moving from where they were at the time, instead they seemed to still chant the old rhyme that Spencer knew by heart. Something that she used to love and would always have her mother sing to her when she got too tired but would refuse to go to sleep.
"Went up the water spout...."
There it was again, the girl was chanting, and Spencer slowly took a few steps closer to where the girl was, she didn't seem to be any older than maybe the age of seven or eight. Her black velvet hair went down to her shoulders and those red eyes seemed to be empty. There was nothing in those eyes, nothing that showed any sort of human emotion, which Spencer knew made sense, seeing as how this creature before her was no longer a human, she was the farthest thing from being a human, and right now the vampire child was on the wrong side of the line, this was the werewolf territory and this was no place for some vampire to be. And as being part of the pack, Spencer knew that she would at least have to try and get rid of the vampire child, to get her off of the land that was for the werewolves, and the werewolves alone.
"Out came the sun and dried up all the rain..."
Was she really going to just sit there by herself like she was doing, and let heself just be stalked by a werewolf, the child must have been thinking she was going to be stumbled across. Or something else must have been going through her mind at the time, Spencer would have been able to smell it if there were other Vampires around the area. And so far she wasn't seeing anyone around them, slowly she then creeped into the opening the wolf eyes narrowed darkly as she looked towards Buscuit for the time and then looked back to in front of herself, before she carefully scanned the area once more. She couldn't help but tense up slightly when she then felt the gaze of the female on her and then she slowly looked back towards the Vampire girl and then growled once more when she saw her stand up from her spot on the ground, the crow that had been overlooking her on the branch above seemed to caw darkly a couple times and flapped it's wings. The bird then took off all of the sudden, then coming down towards where Spencer was at the time, Spencer growled once more and when she saw the sharp claws of the bird come down towards her she jumped upwards snapping her jaws up towards the bird. But the bird pulled out of the way quickly, and when it did this Spencer then found herself being knocked backwards and then felt the crushing weight of someone else on top of her, which only meant one thing, that the small child had jumped her while she had been distracted by the bird.
"The big bad wolf has come to try and blow down my home..."
The young girl tilted her head to the side and those cold eyes then narrowed for a moment only for Spencer to then do a flip, using her large paws to then hold down the small child, growling darkly once more. Before she then felt the sharp claws of the crow coming to then swipe at her cheek, though this time Spencer turned her face in time to then chomp down onto one of the birds wing and then kept her grip tearing the wing from the bird's body as it then tried to keep itself upwards but then it simply fell down to the ground. The younger female seemed to glare when this then happened and then seemed to be the one who hissed slightly, squirming underneath the weight that Spencer was keeping on her at the time. Though then flinched again when one of the hands was freed and then scratched at her face though Spencer then used her large mouth with their sharp teeth in it to bite down on the younger child's hands and then she pulled it free when Spencer found herself then letting go of the hand feeling subconscious when she had just harmed the child, even if she was a vampire.
"You're a very bad, ms. big bad wolf...My mommy is going to be very angry with you."
She was half expecting the smaller girl to go a head and do more than what she was doing, of course she was squirming, trying to break free. But then again, it seemed like the smaller girl seemed to know something other than what she was letting on, of course then when she heard her talk about her mother being mad. Spencer knew that she should probably start to expect another vampire coming her way, which was not something that the werewolf was needing at the time. She could maybe take one vampire, but she knew well enough that it was nearly impossible for one werewolf to fight off two different vampires, even if one of them was nothing more than just a child. She knew that with two against one it was almost always going to be a bad thing for the person who was simply one, instead of two. Unless of course it did turn out it was going to be just her and what she was guessing to be an older vampire.
But then she heard it, the sound of what seemed to be another one of those annoying crows, or ravens, whatever someone would want to call them. Growling with annoyance when she had then heard the loud cry she could also pick up the scent of another vampire that would be there in a matter of seconds. She would have to prepare herself for what may be one of the most challenging times of her life. In the back of her mind it only made sense for her to go a head and howl, let the other werewolves know that there was something going on at the time. But at the same time, she felt like maybe this was something that Spencer would be able to handle on her own, she was an old enough werewolf, she knew how to fight, and what it was she needed to watch out for. That during this sort of thing she would need to make sure that she was not underestimating her opponent at the time. That would be the key to undoing if she let herself become cocky, or if she thought that she would be the one who was going to come out on top.
Her eyes were torn away from the younger girl who seemed to be so pleased with herself at the time, and then looked in the direction of where she had just heard the sound of the raven.
She could feel her whole body slowly start to tense up before Spencer found her eyes looking back down towards the younger child and spat a little bit, her hand coming back to swipe at Spencer though this time Spencer slammed her large paw down on the other’s already bloody wrist. The girl who only seconds before hand had been reciting nursery rhymes to her, now seemed to become the monster that was lurking inside each of these vampires. While Spencer knew that they did exist, she had never been the one to fight against a vampire in her entire life, she had been trained in a weird way, but she had never actually thought she would have to fight one. Not while she was preoccupied with the younger looking one. Spencer looked down at the vicious girl and then saw that her face had once more become rather calm, and the girl had began to hum.
”Don’t you want to play a game with me?”
“Shut up you little brat.” Murmured Spencer as she pushed her weight down on the wrists of the other vampire girl which then caused her to flinch. Spencer should have just ripped the younger girl to bits, she should have done it while she still had the time to do just that, but instead she could feel herself becoming hesitant. Biscuit may have been a vampire, but she also had the body of a child, and in the back of her mind she was telling herself it would be wrong of her to harm a child. But hadn’t she already done just that? Had she been the one to draw ‘blood’ from the younger girl, so why was Spencer still not acting on what she knew she must do? Spencer could have had it done by now and then she would be prepared for whatever it was that was coming her way, and instead she was still trying to deal with the demon of a child, who seemed to think that reciting old rhymes and asking her to play a game with her was something that she should even be thinking about at the time.
And then the answer struck her right in the face, it was obvious.
Biscuit was using the child appearance that she held to her advantage, she must have been using something like this for quite some time. Being able to prevent things such as death, because for most people they would never consider harming someone who was a child. Even if on the inside there was nothing there besides darkness, and a monster that would strike whenever it came time for feeding. And so when Spencer came to lower her snout down towards the younger girls throat, she once more felt like she was committing one of the greater sins. What gave Spencer the right to go a head and do what she was about to do? What made her think that she even had the will power to go through what it is she felt like she would need to go a head and do in the first place.
She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t bring herself to harm the child. Even though in the back of her mind, while there was a voice telling her not to do it, on the other hand it was also telling her that she needed to do this. That she needed to get rid of the child before the child could go a head and feed off of the other innocent people that lived around here. Wasn’t that part of the job of being a Werewolf, to make sure that the humans would not be picked off one by one by these awful creatures?
And then Spencer saw the other vampire, it was clearly someone who was much older, someone who was probably the vampire that the younger one had called her mother. A rush of fear came through Spencer when she realized this and then looked back towards the younger one, who seemed to now hold a smirk on her features. Spencer really should have thought this through, she should have just turned back and gone to where the rest of the pack was. She would have been able to tell them where she had seen the vampire child. But no, instead Spencer let the wolf in her take control over her mind, she had phased and gotten herself into the mess that she was currently taking part in. When she had heard the scream the other woman had then done, she knew that she would be in a fair amount of trouble, that she had taken on more than she could handle alone.
She had seen her standing there for a second and then the next second she had disappeared once more, it was because of the speed that the other female could run at. It was not something that was good, it was not something that Spencer had been completely ready for. And then she felt the impact of herself being knocked off of the younger vampire and the breath being caught in her throat with not thanks to the hand that seemed to have made it’s home around her neck at the time, stopping her breath.
So she was going to be choked, was that it?
She squirmed slightly herself before her brown eyes then narrowed slightly. Thrashing her large wolf body around before then reaching out with one of her larger paws she roughly struck the other female in the head, or at least that’s where the large paw was going at the time. Spencer was trying to make sure that she could still breath, that she would not simply be taken down like this, she was not about to simply give up. Even though she knew that she would only be able to get away with this for so long, sooner rather than later she would need to breath. She would need to be able to breath in order to make sure that she would be able to continue to fight. So if it meant she would have to squirm until she could break free from her grasp, than this was something that Spencer would continue to do for as long as she possibly could.
"I told you mommy would be mad." Ahhh. To be so young and to seem so carefree with hardly anything for them to worry about, of course this also seemed to come in with the category of loud, obnoxious, and clearly with these two when she saw what was coming next, something that they didn't understand was someone's own personal spacing, especially since Lee was now taking in the fact that the two that had begun fighting now were coming closer and closer to where she was currently sitting at the time. Lee shifted slightly and opened her mouth as if she were going to say something to the children, though of course she also knew that the chances of that working at the time seemed unlikely. Oh this just seems plain dandy, now doesn't it? Lee found herself thinking as she kept her gaze on the two children and thinking of how quiet it was a few moments before hand. Instead of remaining where she was, Lee now standing up from her spot and looked over to Myth who seemed to have perked up her ears and head from the hiding spot she had chosen for herself. The young Pok?mon tilting her head slightly as she came to watch the two young children wrestle each other, slowly coming in their direction now.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't all that common to suddenly see two children going at it, the way that these two currently were. And maybe Lee should have been concerned about the fact that the two children seemed to be drawing blood; or maybe it was only one of them. Either way, it was definitely something that Lee should be doing something about, instead of maybe just standing there. Trying to avoid getting hit by the incoming hurricane of anger that the two of them seemed to be holding towards each other, of course, who knew if herself and Myth wouldn't be pulled in, whether it be their own fault or if it would be something completely out of Lee's control.
Myth's eyes slowly looking over to where Lee stood, that hesitance seeming to come to her features for a moment before she looked towards the still advancing children. Myth could feel her body slowly come to tense up, the nerves that seemed to so quickly come over her were the key things that were taking over her at the time. Of course, Myth was doing her best to try and make sure that it seemed like she was feeling perfectly fine. That there would be nothing that Lee would need to worry about her, though the fact that the only things that seemed to move slightly where her tail and her ears. All the sudden Myth felt herself being lifted off of the ground, and she quickly looked up to see who it was that had picked her up and was relieved to see that it was Lee. And while the two stood there for a moment watching the two children Myth came to squirm, finally regaining her normal playful confidence. Lee chuckling softly as she then set down the Eevee, though watched as Myth suddenly darted towards the fighting children.
"Gah! Whoa there, hold it Myth!" The first thing that came from Lee when she had realized what it was that had just happened, quietly cursing under her breath she moved after the other. It was really only a few steps to where the children that had claimed that their names were Jason and Celia. Myth stopping a couple of feet from the two as she studied them for a brief moment, "Ee----Vee!!" Belting this out in the loudest voice that the Eevee was able to come up with, though unless it was right next to someone's ear it would only probably make them wince for a couple of seconds. Though Myth seemed to think that this would be loud enough to seem to at least catch the attention of the smaller humans. Lee bit the bottom of her lip as she looked between the two, and after listening to Myth's attempt at getting their attention, Lee decided to take matters into her own hands, thinking about what it was that maybe her mother would be doing at the time, even if that made Lee come off as slightly, well, odd maybe. For the moment, it was one of the few things that was making a fair amount of sense to her, so she thought that she might as well go a head and do just this, no second thoughts.
Reaching down Lee pulled off the child which was on top at the time, which one it was at the time that she decided to do this, she wasn't all that sure. But which ever one it was, it was Lee's objective to just go a head and keep them away from the other kid. "Come on now, is this how you two really choose to act?" Oh goodness, Lee had reminded herself of her mother at that time, not that it truly surprised her. But it certainly wasn't the sort of thing that she had really been trying to do; sighing slightly she looked down to the child she currently had her hands on and let go of them, shaking her head a bit. "Fighting is hardly the thing you should be doing, just because your friend did something you dislike." Which maybe was a hypocritical thing to say, considering that Lee was indeed a Pok?mon trainer, and would be coming across several fights as she traveled.
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Post by blink, on Aug 6, 2009 16:40:56 GMT -5
Umyes. Here I go D: Um, just a note before you start reading... yes, these are all from the same thread. And they're not my best because I was RPing with semi-literate people... BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE D: I lost most of my other posts because my computer went haywire and almost all of the sites I was on shut down ):As if snapping out of a reverie, the boy stirred into action at Hikaru's words. He seemed surprised, to say the least; the napkin holder teetered as his hand brushed past. Before either of them could steady it, though, it had done so on its own. Perhaps he really hadn't heard his phone ringing. But he answered the phone now, and then said, "Oh, sorry. I can't seem to hear you. It must be a defect. You might want to check up on that before you send in ten thousand more orders." He couldn't hear? Ah, maybe he was deaf. However, that was highly unlikely -- he had heard Hikaru's words, right? And then, with confusion evident on his face, he did something unexpected.
"Do you want it?"
Hikaru raised an eyebrow and sent him a look of slight disbelief before turning to the item at hand. “Sure,” she said, sarcasm heavily tainting her words, “I want a phone that either doesn't work,” here she paused, raising her eyes to meet his, “Or that gets phone calls you from someone you don't want to talk to.” Yes, she was pretty sure that his words before had been a blatant lie. It was a distorted sound that had come to her ears from the phone, but she was almost positive that the stranger had heard every word. She would have outright rejected the offer then and there (After all, she couldn't be sure whether or not he was being serious about it. It wasn't like she knew this person, anyway.), but the pleading look on his face delayed her refusal.
Instead, she took the mobile phone in her hand, turning it as if appraising its weight and appearance, glancing at the touch screen. Her face and tone turned softer and more serious as she spoke again. “It is very high quality,” she mused. And yet, she placed the device gently on the table, about half way between the two of them. She pushed it forward, toward him, with her middle and index fingers as she said, “But, when I have the choice, I don't like to take things I haven't earned. Sorry.” Her tone was very slightly apologetic, but there was also a quality of determination in those words.
Hardly did she ever have a choice. So much had been thrust upon her unwillingly since she was born – a name and reputation to uphold, mansions in various places, life in high society, loads and loads of money, and, now, attendance to the most expensive school in the nation. Had she ever had a choice concerning any of these situations? No, that wasn't likely— A waitress came bearing the croissant and hot chocolate she had ordered. Without a thought, Hikaru put Tchaikovsky back into the pocket from which he had come and closed the folder: the yellow leather folder with her school sector's mascot emblazoned across the front cover. She pushed it aside, making room for the ceramic plate and mug on the table before her.
Anyway, at least she wasn't the family's heir. If that had been the case, she would have had to deal with an entire company and family fortune that she had not earned. If that had been the case... maybe things would have turned out differently. Hikaru observed with detached fascination as the boy sitting across from her seized the wrist of the waitress and flashed the young woman a grin. The poor, unsuspecting girl blushed furiously, and then the boy offered her the phone. Hah. He really did want to get rid of that thing. The waitress shamelessly took it. Hikaru let out something between a scoff and a laugh as she turned her eyes away from the scene, shaking her head in a mixture of amusement and disapproval. Maybe the waitress' less fortunate financial circumstances accounted for her actions. However, Hikaru didn't believe that status should be used as an excuse for poor conduct, be the person at hand wealthy or poor.
The waitress went away, leaving both herself and the boy more than satisfied. With a smile on his face, the boy dove into his waffles, almost literally. A breach of decorum? Oh yes. But he was only a boy, and Hikaru was the only one watching, so perhaps it didn't matter. She pulled off her boots and put them aside, pulling the chair closer to the table before crossing her legs on the seat. With or without the boy's actions, she would have done so -- this was the most comfortable way to eat. However, the stranger's strange eating habits had certainly helped to "break the ice," in a sense.
She reached for the steaming mug of hot chocolate when he asked, "You go to Eitoku, too?" Hikaru didn't answer, seeing the question as a rhetorical one. The boy had seen her Futaba folder, after all. But these words provided some interesting information. This kid went to Eitoku. Well, that was no surprise, considering the phone he just gave away. "Who are you? I'm Junichi Kaoin. I'm in sutedi, though."
But wasn't it interesting how people were so accustomed to introducing themselves using their last names? Hikaru didn't have anything against it; she just found it slightly amusing, is all. The boy's name sounded somewhat familiar, but Hikaru couldn't (and didn't care to) place a finger upon where she had heard it before. Hikaru sipped her hot chocolate, which, thankfully, tasted more like chocolate than coffee, before following suit. "I'm Hikaru Hattori." Hikaru was strangely at peace today. Perhaps it was the gentle, steady cadence of the falling rain or the ambient atmosphere of the café; whatever it was, she felt very calm – not hurried, not ruffled. It was a nice feeling, every once in a while – sort of similar to sleeping, in some obscure way recognizable only to herself.
She glanced down at the warm, freshly baked croissant on the plate before her. To tell the truth, she wasn’t particularly hungry, but the French dish was puffed up with air to such an extent that it didn’t really consist of much bread at all. “What about grade? I’m level one.” Hikaru glanced up at the boy in front of her, this Junichi Kaoin, just in time to see him take a generous bite of his waffle, just in time to watch the globs of sticky, sugary, fruit-and-syrupy mess ooze down past their intended target and onto the plate. Hikaru let out a short, amused laugh – a single exhalation of breath through the nose. This kid was an interesting one. She wasn’t quite sure what to think of him.
Personally, she would not have gone about eating a waffle with her fingers. The Western food, she was almost entirely sure, was meant to be eaten with a fork and knife, especially because of the thick syrup that usually topped it. Croissants, on the other hand, she could not envision anyone eating any other way. How would one eat a croissant using silverware? That would be rather absurd in appearance. No, from what she could tell, croissants were strictly finger-food.
As she began to pull off a piece of the buttery bread, Hikaru answered Junichi’s question. “I’m a second year,” she said in a flat tone, as if it made no difference to her (and it didn’t). She paused for a split second – well, maybe she would give him a more complete answer – before continuing. “But this is my first year at Eitoku.” Yes, it was her first year. She didn’t mind it too much, other than the fact that, if it had been her choice, she wouldn’t have attended the school. In fact, as previously stated, she had attended a different school the previous year, before her mother had essentially forced her to enroll at Eitoku.
One thing that was nice about the place was that she could focus more on music… but still, she couldn’t help but to feel some lack of independence, and that bothered her. To sacrifice independence felt like giving up part of herself, and perhaps that’s what it was. She succeeded in tearing off a small bit of the croissant and raised it to her mouth, taste buds reveling in, savoring the taste as it melted on her tongue.
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Post by Affectionate Zombie on Aug 6, 2009 17:19:50 GMT -5
The first two are from the same thread, and are not from a Pok?mon site. Hopefully that's okay. D: They're both really recent, like within the past five days. (The second one is actually from today.) All I have to say about them is that I really really like fight scenes. Hoorah. :U The last one is from Torrenta. Oh, goodie! Toroa's arrival was a delightful sight in Edna's opinion, because she had yet to realize that the female Halfling was not just another peasant, but a hero. Another Halfling was just another punching bag, the Overlord figured. She'd beat the gluttony right out of Toroa's fat little head! (In her wild and bloodthirsty state, Edna was hardly paying enough attention to realize that the hero was rather skinny for a Halfling, and hence lacking in the "fat head" department. Ah, well.) "Come to play?!" she yelled shrilly, her severely-angled eyebrows shooting up in excitement, her grin stretched wide across her face. Her wild, bulging yellow eyes glowed with the adrenaline coursing through her veins.
Toroa had only been seen in Edna's peripheral vision while the Overlord moved to finish off her current victim. The poor Halfling had gone flying into the air, letting loose a yell that grated on the human woman's nerves and made her teeth grind even while she continued to grin. Now he was curled into a pathetic ball on the ground, terrified. Edna saw a fat maggot rolled up like a pill bug, snapping its teeth and watching her hungrily even while it oozed white, fatty bug guts. "Repulsive," she hissed, swiftly making her way over to the cowering creature and swinging a kick at his stomach, then moving away to deal with Toroa...
... who had just stabbed one of her Minions in the back. The little imp released a startled and pained squawk; he and his companions had all been so focused on crushing and tearing and biting the Halfling sheepherder that none of them had seen the hero coming. He hadn't been killed by the stab, but he'd been caught so off-guard that all he could do for a moment was stumble uselessly away in surprise. Two of the remaining four Minions turned to see what was going on. "Kill! Kill!" they screeched, thinking just as Edna had that this girl was simply another Halfling, knives or not. They jumped at her, intending on toppling her over (after all, she was roughly their size) and clawing her to pieces. The other two imps continued to assault their original target, while the stabbed Minion stumbled and gibbered.
Edna realized what Toroa had done when she saw her poor stabbed imp standing uselessly off to the side. He'd probably get back into the action once he was finished being a fool, but it still stood that this stupid Halfling had fought back, had done damage to one of her precious, vicious little pets. Unacceptable. "You swine," she snarled, her lips curling now in a snarl, not a grin. Enraged, she ran at the little hero with her arm pulled back, and her fist swung forwards once she was close enough. The gems on this knuckle were tipped by red, blood from the punch she'd landed on the other Halfling. Her chain mail jangled, and one of the two attacking Minions had barely enough time to yelp and duck out of the way; he certainly didn't want to be on the receiving end of that attack. After dodging his master's attack, he hastily went back to scrabbling at the Halfling hero, claws scratching.
Even if the Overlord's punch was to land, she had yet to realize that Toroa had leather armor beneath the too-big men's coat she wore. That would protect the hero at least from the gemstone spikes of Edna's brass knuckles, if not absorb some of the force. It was tough to say how she might react to this knowledge, though. Knowing that Toroa was actually more of a threat than initially expected, would Edna be discouraged, or would she become all the more eager to win the battle?
By the time that Edna's fist connected, one of the attacking Minions had been slashed in the stomach by Toroa's reflexive swipe with her knife, and the other had been kicked, though he wasn't too worse-for-wear. The Minion who had been cut released a loud "yipe!" and hastily scurried backward, retreating temporarily, and the other (who was a trifle aggravated but otherwise alright; no kick from a Halfling would phase him much) was dodging his master's punch while Toroa flailed her blades wildly. Both of the imps dodged her swipes and stabs with no problem at all, even while the one patted gingerly at his new wound. What a stupid little creature she was, not bothering to aim or anything! The Minions snickered snidely as Edna's punch slammed right into the Halfling's leather armor.
Somewhere in all the scuffle and before the successful hit, Toroa had spat out an insult or two at Edna -- had called her a "crotchety hag," or something along those lines. Edna hardly cared, in fact hardly heard the venomous jeers, for her heart was thumping so loud in her ears that she could scarcely hear herself think or the Voice, that Voice, egging her on. All she knew was that this insolent, vile, fat little creature had the gall to speak to Edna, and to fight back, no less. Seeing Toroa left reeling after the punch was not quite satisfying enough, considering that the tiny fool deserved death (and she was not special in this regard), but it was something. The realization that her opponent was wearing armor beneath her too-large coat, and as a result had taken less damage than was desirable from Edna's attack, was an aggravating one... but it just meant that a bit more effort and force was required. Eehee. Now the wide, wicked, wild grin returned to the human's lips, spread from ear-to-ear and didn't quite reach her eyes. All that was visible in those eyes was burning yellow and madness. "You want to fight, then? Do you?!"
"I'll cut your frosty little heart out, you stumpy witch," was Toroa's snappish reply. Edna cackled, and there was malice and disconcerting insanity in the sound.
However, despite the threat and despite the gauntlet that had been thrown down, the Halfling "hero" (though she truly did not deserve the title, as far as Edna would have been concerned if she even knew that was what Toroa was) charged straight past her opponent to deal with the two Minions that still were smothering and scratching and biting the poor civilian they'd tackled to the ground. They didn't see Edna coming, no more than the Minion with the knife in his back had seen her coming, and one was clobbered off of the fallen Halfling sheepherder, releasing a confused screech as he was flung a few inches before hitting the ground.
The other Minion quickly realized that the helpless, weak, fat Halfling he'd been assaulting was old news; now, he had bigger fish to fry. He wailed out a wild and excited "KILL!" and threw himself at Toroa, aiming his claws at the hero's face with intent to slice her up, perhaps take out her eyes if he got the chance. Oh, that would be lovely. Meanwhile, and unfortunately for Toroa, the first Minion she had stabbed was finally getting back to his senses. Snarling under his breath, he reached back to yank the knife from between his shoulder blades, wincing at the pain for only a moment; the expression twisted itself to one of delight when he held the weapon in front of him, wielding it as his own. Smart move, hero. Now one of the Minions was armed.
Eager to get some payback, the knife-bearing imp zoomed into the fray once more, ducking under the Minion who was already attacking Toroa and stabbing the blade down at her leg. Edna was now charging over, too, her fist drawn back. Aiming, getting closer, and... whoosh, the fist swung out at Toroa. Now that Edna knew about the leather armor, she wasn't bothering aiming at the Halfling's torso, nor would she go through the trouble of ducking down low to get her legs. Those gemstone spikes glinted and flew in the direction of Toroa's skull -- right to the back of her head. Hopefully she'd get out of the way, unless she really wanted her head busted.
At least the remaining three Minions seemed content to terrorize the Halfling citizens. One (the one with the slashed belly) hopped over to the fallen creature that Edna had punched, and proceeded to bite and claw at his face. The other two focused their attention on the sheepherder that Toroa had been trying to save, their sharp claws and glinting, gnashing, wet fangs being put to "good" use.
Through her gritted and grinning teeth, Edna hissed out a single word -- "Maggot," -- and swung her other fist right after the first.
Morgan was quite impressed and pleased by the way Kaleigh handled his Pok?mon. Terrance and Barnes, too, were delighted by the girl's approval and compliments. +I am, aren't I?!+ squealed the Turtwig, doing an energetic little hop-skip movement in his glee. The Marshtomp, on the other hand, simply clapped his hands together and beamed up at the Seviper morph, giggling happily.
While they were busy grinning at Kaleigh, Morgan turned his attention to Hollow, who didn't seem nearly as friendly or polite as his trainer. He clearly saw that Barnes wasn't at all as strong or impressive as he believed himself to be, and was hardly stunned by the piece of glass that Terrance was so enamored with. The bird was a snooty little bastard, that much was obvious. He seemed ready to verbalize his undoubtedly abrasive opinions, too, when Kaleigh suddenly grabbed the bird and placed him in front of Pierce -- currently dripping lava, might he add. One Yawn attack later, the Taillow was asleep, subdued, and then returned to his Pok?ball, stored away neatly. Well. Potential problem solved!
"Haha. Sorry about them... They're excited to meet someone new, I think." The apology wasn't really needed, as Kale didn't appear to be bothered by their excited greeting. He was glad that they were being so well-behaved, too; there was always a fifty-fifty chance that they would humiliate Morgan as soon as they stumbled into a public place or met someone new. Luck must've been on his side today. There was a smile on his face, and his tail was wagging a bit. Perhaps it was the soothing, dizzying effect that this huge tower and its rain had, but he was in an exceptionally good mood.
Upon seeing how nice Kaleigh was, Sagni and Avion approached her as well, the Camerupt cheerfully introducing herself and the Aron merely nodding her head in acknowledgment; Avion wasn't really a Pok?mon of many words. Black clearly didn't feel like being social and remained lounged back and listening to music away from everyone else. Ron, on the other hand, was content to simply hover there and observe all of the socializing, not much for participating in such things. In general, though, Morgan's team was eager to chatter with the girl.
+I love your hair!+ +You're pretty!+ +Are you a trainer or coordinator?+ +Do you want to battle?!+ +I wonder why Morgan doesn't talk to more girls? Teehee!+ +Um.+ +Will you be my friend?+
... Talkative little things, they were.
"Guys, guys, give her some breathing room!" Laughing sheepishly, Morgan gestured for the group to move back from Kaleigh. "You're crowding her." Sure enough, they had been moving in closer and closer to the girl, getting close to invading her personal bubble. Slowly they took a step or two backwards, Sagni and Avion at least having the decency to look a bit embarrassed, though Terrance and Barnes weren't particularly phased. "Thank you." The Zigzagoon morph shook his head, smiling a little.
At this point, Morgan and his Pok?mon fell quiet for a few moments. The boy tried in vain to hear the rain he knew was falling. Then, he realized that perhaps some conversation would be a good idea. He sucked at small talk, but... well, worth a shot. "So, uh, what brings you to the Tower? It's pretty annoying getting here; I had to really look for a boat that was willing to ship me over." Honestly, he didn't understand why so few ships were willing to make the trip over here, but it was incredibly inconvenient. The only water-type he had was Terrance, and he couldn't think of many other water-types out there that were also ground-, rock-, or steel-types. In fact, the only ones he knew of were Wooper, Quagsire, Barboach, and Whiscash. That meant he had to rely on ships for overseas transport, and that meant that the Tower of Heaven and its surrounding island would have been damn near inaccessible if he hadn't gotten lucky and found someone willing to ferry him across (and back, though he'd have to wait a bit after calling the guy to return).
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Post by bijuu. on Aug 6, 2009 20:39:51 GMT -5
Please be aware I'd like Alli's input as well before these decisions are final. It shouldn't be long.
Alli Edit: Okay, I'm adding my own "spoiler" sections to each person's review for my own opinion. -Alli
Siin
Personally, I'd prefer to see Pokémon-related roleplay examples, because it gives me a good feel about what style a person is most comfortable with in the Pokémon category, and from there just how well one will fit in here at Kairuu.
Now.. I'm usually fairly lenient, but changes have made me have to take a new approach, and I'm gonna say that I'm not being cruel here, just truthful, and please don't take offense. We're all friends here.
Your style is unique, and I'll grant you that, but even I, who loves reading, have to admit that reading your posts is sometimes tedious and I find myself just wanting to skim instead of actually plowing through. This may be because I find you have a tendency to repeat sentences in several different ways within a paragraph, and even more a tendency to ramble.
Now, of course it'd be logical to ask you to tone down your posts, but that'd be like asking you to change your entire roleplaying style, and that's both unfair and unimaginable. This is the only major flaw I'm finding in your examples.
I won't be posting the final decision until Alli's had her say.
Alli voted yes, and I agree with her sentence. If you're willing to take feedback, because that, in my opinion, is an integral part of writing. You have to be able to accept criticism.
Alli Review
Mnkay, well, the first thing I notice is that your style of writing is heavy in the narration; so much so, in fact, that it sounds like someone's telling us the story informally, using "you" in ways such as, "She was beautiful but you wouldn't believe she'd be a bitch". Not a direct quote, but an example. Personally, this is one of my biggest petpeeves when reading any more formal writing. But because that is more my own personal choice, it will not make my mind.
Personally, I think that, although you do have a tendency to overwork the same thought, action, or event into different ways--as if you're trying to teach the same thing to different students in a different number of ways; index cards, repetition, games--your writing is adequate for Kairuu.
Unlike Jen, I actually think that using non-Pok?mon characters is good for samples--though typically it's best to have at least one. I like to see a variety of personalities and how someone can really get in the brains of the people they have created.
You also have a few incomplete sentences, such as: "Pausing when she felt the scent was stronger and slowly she flinched as she then took the form of a werewolf." Not only could this use more detail (describe the transformation), but it's not proper. It's very common to do this these days, and it bugs the hell out of me. xD But I have actually seen myself do it before--on accident, because I forgot to end a thought, for instance, or had a lot of commas. But still.
Anyway, you do have a couple flaws, and while they aren't particularly major (certain ones are more major to different people), they do make reading your posts a bit difficult at times, at least judging by these samples (along with the fact that I particularly dislike the werewolf/vampire genre). However, personally, I think that we should accept you, because Kairuu is not just a place for the great; it is a place for those aspiring to achieve greatness, and those that are willing to help them. So the final decision rests with Jen--but if you ever want me to thoroughly edit any relatively short piece of writing, to literally dissect it for you and show you how to remedy these mistakes every time they occur, I'm willing--if you're willing to take that and improve yourself with it. c:
I vote to accept you as long as you're willing to take feedback.
Blink
In your case, your posting style is both very fun to read and well-structured. I read all three of your examples and found myself pleased with your style. And for roleplaying in semi-literate company, it's very good indeed. I'd definitely love to see more of your writing.
Your spelling and grammar are very well-structured and I found little to no typos or errors in your posts, which again pleased me greatly. Personally, I'm giving you the greenlight-go.
Alli's crit will be added once she reads these.
Alli Review
Mnkay, now, let me say that I find your writing very good. However, and this may just be my own style leaking into my view of grammar, a few parts bugged me with how you worded certain things--but again, that just might be my style's influence on my thinking.
Example: "She reached for the steaming mug of hot chocolate when he asked, "You go to Eitoku, too?" Hikaru didn't answer, seeing the question as a rhetorical one."
Personally, I think "when" should be replaced with "as", because it says that the actions are happening simultaneously. If you like "when", then it should be reworded, "When he asked, "You go to Eitoku, too?", she reached for the steaming mug of hot chocolate." Because for something to use "when", one action must happen first, then another follows after--so when must be used at the beginning of the sentence. If that makes sense. c:
Also, with the second sentence. I see a similar problem with it; really, I think, you are just mixing up your timeline of events within a sentence. What happens first goes first; she saw the question as rhetoric--her thought--and thus she didn't answer; so her not answering would come second.
Now, I'm not just being picky about one particular part. I noticed it a few times. So basically, just keep in mind: What happens first, goes first. And you should begin to remedy it yourself. c:
Even if you really don't, that's fine, it's not a huge deal. I'm only nit-picky about that. xD I vote accepted.
Affectionate Zombie
Now, in your case, I know you went awol for a bit there, but I've always thought of you as an excellent roleplayer all around, and since I've roleplayed with you myself, my criticism here is very limited and unneeded.
You're a shoo-in.
If Alli wants to add to this, she may.
Alli Review
Not too much to say. Read Blink's review, because I saw a similar thing occurring occasionally in your posts; you don't write the actions/events in the order that they happened (I only saw this a few times though, I think).
Also, I think I only saw this once, but I mentioned it to Cupcake: "..." only belongs in dialogue. "Aiming, getting closer, and... whoosh, the fist swung out at Toroa." Now, I'll admit that it may seem appropriate in this case, but really, I don't personally believe it belongs in formal writing.
Anyway, other than that, I don't see any problems. I vote accepted. c:
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Post by rhyme. ;; on Aug 7, 2009 21:36:48 GMT -5
Yeah. lD Really nervous. I hope I can get better by being here.Finally, as she looked up, Mel was a bit startled as a young lady in a light, fluffy dress approached her. She walked over to Mel in a graceful dancer's steps, before coming to a hault, grinning down at the smaller female. Mel felt a little intimidated at first, but as the rich, sweet voice of the lady drifted to the air, she couldn't help but smile; that was, until she finished her sentence. Mel honestly didn't get angered over the fact she was often mistaken as one of the male gender; it was just that every time someone mistook her as a male, her self-esteem dropped by a little bit. Was she not beautiful enough to be considered a female? Perhaps she was that low in human ranking systems? Allowing these thoughts to dominate her mind, they suddenly cleared as the woman gasped, fingered her dress, and then tried her best to change the subject. "Well no matter. Welcome to Birchfall's Contest Registration Center!" [/i] Mel was offeded deeply by her previous sentence, but this one was just full of light, causing the girl to grin shyly. She had always been akward around older girls. "Thank you, ma'am." She said calmly, but with a bit of a cheer in her voice. Suddenly, the woman turned on her heels, and shoved a clipboard with some paperwork on it into Mel's arms. "We'll need you to fill out your information so we can register you a Contest Pass and find a Pok?mon for you to start your Contests."[/i] Mel did not have ton search for a nearby pen or pencil; being the child author she was, she made sure to always carry a sharpened pencil around. Retrieving the said pencil out of one of the various flaps and pockets on her shorts, she began to let the pencil scratch out her answers. They were fairly simple, and luckily, she did not have to orally lie about wanting to be a trainer. But even so, Mel still felt terrible about it, and knew that she would make it up by entering some contests here and there on her journey. Once the paperwork had been filled out in a matter of a minute, since the girl wrote so fast and still made her writing clear, she passed the clipboard back to the kind lady, who now held a tray of pokeballs in her hands, that each had a small piece of paper attached to it, along with either a pink or blue ribbon tied around them. she eyed them curiously, hoping that inside one of them would be a female Mareep. "We have these four today. Which would you like? They have blue ribbons or pink ribbons on them depending on whether they are male or female."[/i] Her voice chimed into Mel's ears, as she inspected the photographs on the pokeballs. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the picture of a Mareep on the first one; but as soon as she read that it was a male, and was quite outgoing, just like her sister, she decided against it. She moved onto the next Pok?ball, a male Abra; well, this was an instant no thank you for Mel. She wouldn't be fond having such a submissive and timid Pok?mon, to the point where he was afraid to do his own things to make life more enjoyable. Moving onto the next Pok?ball, she noticed it was a female; and, of course, the girl was simply shocked upon seeing that it was one of her favorite Pok?mon besides Mareep, Eevee. And it was.. a shiny! Wow! Blinking a bit to herself, and reading over the personality on the piece of paper attached to her Pok?ball, Mel knew that it was an instant match. A rather soft-spoken, timid Eevee, that was also calm and very intelligent. Her and Mel seemed like they were long lost siblings. And, she really didn't have a choice, since she didn't like any other Pok?mon, and the last Pok?mon was something she had already crossed out of her mind; a grass type. Smiling to herself, she gently picked up Eevee's Pok?ball, and looked up at the kind lady with a nod of approval. "Would you mind if I took this one please, ma'am? She seems absolutely perfect." And Mel spoke nothing but the truth; this Eevee was amazing. Absolutely amazing. And for the first time in her life, Mel had her own Pok?mon. She had came here with the strong, dominating emotions of doubt, but had came out as one of the luckiest girls in the world. Wait until Trinity heard about this. Word count; 804.[/sup][/spoiler] At first, she wasn't sure how to go about with all this, being nervous and all. But now, Specs was beginning to have a bit more confidence in herself as a young man approached her, a plastic bag in his hand. Inside the bag, pokeballs rolled around, passing and bumping into each other inside the bag with each bounce the young man took in his step. He wore a friendly smile, and Specs happily countered it with one of her own naive grins. "Hello my young dear. I take it you are hear to register to become a coordinator, am I right?" [/i] His voice was nothing but sweetness, and Specs was lured to him from his kindness. And because of this, when he offered his hand, Specs happily grabbed it, giving it a gentle squeeze as she shook it in greeting. "Well before we get to the boring paperwork, may I ask why you chose to become a coordinator today?"[/i] He asked, causing Specs' mind to, for once, go completely blank. ..... Why did she want to become a coordinator? Well, it had always seemed like a fun thing to do as a small child, watching the Grand Festival on a faintly flickering television. Specs remembered that this was where she had learned all the names of the Pok?mon, and luckily, she had a great memory and could remember the names of those she liked, and those she didn't like. She had often sat in bed with nothing but her pajamas on, eagerly chewing on cereal with milk dripping from the sides of her mouth, her hair a mess. They would announce the winner for the current contest, and Specs would happily finish her cereal, not being able to stop thinking of the contest until the next one came on the television. Even during school, with her constant doodling, her own mind would distract her from both her schoolwork, and her drawing. For a long time, contests were her life, until Pixen had died. She remembered not thinking a thing about contests anymore; all she could do was think about Pixen, and how insecure she felt without the other female constantly next to her. That was, until she met Zola. Zola was wonderful; she was speechless about the girl, yet if she could, Specs would go on forever babbling positive adjectives about Zola. The female had found Spes in the middle of a forest, and had slowly gained her trust as the night passed by, offering Specs all sorts of things. She remembered it had been the first time in a while she had soda, after Zola offered it to her. It had been strawberry soda, and the fizz felt refreshing on her lips. They went on like this for a few years, Zola taking special care of Specs, as if the two were related. And, for a while, Zola had told stories of Lumyn to Specs for entertainment, due to the fact that there was no form of electronic entertainment. Specs had never even considered the fact that she would someday leave Zola; the older girl was like her sanctuary. But when the time finally came that Specs wanted to fufill her dream of being a great coordinator, she had left with the promise that they would indeed someday meet again. Zola had said that she had went to town, and that a new region had been booming recently, with a high population of coordinators. It was all small talk, but eventually it had dug through to Specs; if she joined Team Lumyn and they did take over evil and restore peace to the land, what would she do afterward? She had to have excitement in her life, adventure! And Specs knew that coordinators interacted with many, many people as well... it was then that the idea of being a Lumyn member, along with being a coordinator in her spare time finally struck her. Finally, the words came pouring out of the young girl's mouth. "I have a fear of people, you see... ever since my girlfriend Pixie died in a fire, I've been kind of a coward. But I hope to brave up, really! And being a coordinator sounds like lots of fun!"Word Count; 720.[/sup][/spoiler] "Well... I'm sorry I didnt catch your name..." [/i] He said, a bit of pity in his voice. Ah, no, Specs wasn't looking for pity! She was merely expressing her beliefs, that was all! Gah... how humiliating. But, still, what was done was done. "You made a good decision here today. There's no better life, than that of a coordinator. You'll experience the joy of raising your prized Pok?mon, perfecting their moves, training them to be strong and appealing, and when it's all said and done, you'll get to see your Pok?mon perform for the world."[/i] Specs stared into his eyes in a calm, non-threatening gaze, to show that she was listening. She gave small 'mhm's' and nodded, before actually considering what he was saying. He was right... a coordinator's main Pok?mon was their most prized belonging, and to watch it grow and impress the world was sort of like owning a child. That sounded like lots of fun! Specs soon foubnd herself smiling brightly once again. "Now before I say anything else, you must see what I have for you. The last four Pok?mon of the day. And today, one is leaving with you."[/i] Specs wavered a bit on her heels, trying to contain herself from bursting from the suspense. What Pok?mon would she decide to take? It was all just a huge silence to her that seemed to last for months, until finally, the kind man opened up his bag, took out a random Pok?mon, and aimed for the ground. In a red beam, a Pachirisu took form. Specs smiled a bit, the pleasent memories starting to flow back to her of watching them being used in contests on television. "Ah, this Pok?mon is Pachirisu. It's a tiny little electric type Pok?mon. From what I've noticed about Pachirisu is that she is quick and active one. She is always getting into things and hiding small items that she can get a hold of. She pretty hyper and you'll defiantly have an interesting time with her."[/i] Specs was instantly in love with the little Pachirisu as she roamed eagerly around the stage; but the thing that set her off wqas that she was a hyper electric type. Specs was bound to be shocked quite a few times. Although she loved the sweet little electric type, she crossed Pachirisu out of her mind. It was then that he pulled out another Pok?ball, releasing it next to Pachirisu. "Oh, here's Abra. This Pok?mon is one that requires numerous amounts of sleep. You see his telekinetic abilities wont function correctly without sleep."[/i] The man paused to watch the Pok?mon happily slumber, before turning back to Specs. "Abra, from what I've seen, is a hardy Pok?mon. He can be quite stubborn. You'll have to be patient with this one."[/i] Specs was keen on Abra. He was a psychic type, qand most were rather calm. However, once he had said how much sleep it required, and how stubborn it was, Specs crossed it off of her mental list. Two more to go... and so far, it wasn't going too well. But then, when the man released the third Pok?mon, Specs' eyes widened as she gasped. Stepping back, startling herself from the sharp intake of air, she regained hr balance and stared at the third Pok?mon. On her ay here, she had been mentally planning on what to do if she had an Eevee. And now, it had appeared before her very eyes. The small Pok?mon began to roll around on it's back, and Specs soon discovered that it was a male. "Oh, this is a special little Pok?mon, and I'm surprised that we even had one still around...... This my dear, is an Eevee. I've seen this Eevee around quite often. And it always seems to want to play."[/i] Aww, it was a playful litle thing, huh? Specs laughed a bit when the little fox-like Pok?mon rolled around, as if trying to scratch its back. "This Pok?mon is able to become a number of different types through different means. I've seen some people have their Eevee become the water Pok?mon, Vaporeon, and I've seen some turn it into the beautiful Flareon. What you wish Eevee to become is up to you, but it's something that cant be reversed. I know from experience that Eevee will be difficult to train, but is worth it every bit."[/i] But, at this point, she didn't care. He was hers. But before she could explain that it was Eevee she wanted, the man released the fnal Pok?mon. Specs nearly burst out laughing at the coincidence. Eevee qand Mareep were both being kept in the back of her mind on her way here, and it just so happened that this place had both available. "Here is Mareep, another electric Pok?mon. This one is a very quite and secluded Pok?mon. It love to stay nice and fluffy, and is indeed a Pok?mon born for the stage. You wont find many complaints about Mareep, and I'm sure you would enjoy it's caring nature.[/i] He spoke nothing but the truth; but, still, Specs was already reaching over, allowing the small fox Pok?mon to sniff her hand and nibble on her fingers. "So, dear, after looking at the Pok?mon, and finding out what they're like, have you made a decision?"[/i] He questioned, as Specs scooped up the male Eevee, nodding. "Yes, sir! Thank you so much for letting me pick my own Pok?mon... you've been really helpful~! But I'm gonna go with this little guy." She said, stroking the small Pok?mon eagerly. Word Count; 1000.[/sup][/spoiler] As you can see, I was offered a lot of Eevees. xD
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Post by bijuu. on Aug 7, 2009 21:53:56 GMT -5
Rhyme
Small grammatical errors and spelling mistakes aside, your style is very fluent and easy to read, and contradicting your thoughts about 'rambling', I see no evidence of it here. Though it's true that improvement is good for anyone, I'm not saying you're in immediate need of it, because you'll improve through roleplay.
Your characters are very similar in some aspects, from what I could tell, but I can't make proper judgment, personally, from just three posts. However, I did enjoy reading the passages very much. They're of decent length and very good quality, though you won't be needing the word count for posts here (you probably knew that, but I couldn't help adding it in xD ).
All in all, I think you'll do well here on Kairuu. The only thing I'd advise you to improve upon a little is describing the surroundings and thoughts of your characters just a little more. Your post structure is very good barring the things I just said.
My vote is yes.
I said I wouldn't add anything, but I do have one little thing to say, about two things. But they are definitely not a problem. -Alli
Two things, neither of which are major in the least. One, a simple punctuation mistake--sort of. When you have dialogue and then a sentence connected that finishes the thought/action (such as: "No thanks," she said.), the first letter of the non-dialogue should not be capitalized (and, usually, the sentence will end with a comma--but not always). (Something like: "Nah." He shook his head. -this is two separate things, thus not connected, thus use a capital.) It can be confusing sometimes, so don't worry about it.
And, two: you use the names of characters a lot ("Mel did this, mel said that.") It's perfectly alright, but writing that can use different things ("the redhead, the other, the teenager", etcetcetc) is a tiny bit more involving to read, only because it's more fun to read different words.
Your writing is most certainly excellent, and I would definitely love to see you as a member of Kairuu. :D <3
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Post by rippy on Aug 8, 2009 0:52:49 GMT -5
-Blushhide- ;-; Yah. So here's some samples of Vivian.
who awakes -- in the night & slips out into the pre-dawn light with no words, a clean e s c a p e, no promises or messes made.
[/sup] She lived for the thrill. One of her many nasty little addictions included rushes of adrenaline-- the feeling associated with the moment prior to diving headfirst into the unknown. Such surges of excitement were exactly what she had been looking forward to when she decided to ditch her old life and sail herself away to this unfamiliar region. Unfortunately, now that her first steps had propelled her safely off the large cruise boat, all traces of her previous glee were gone. There was no delicate thrill here; instead, she found only impatience.
The puny girl propped her hands onto her hips, observing her surroundings through a glowering expression. This place was merely a plain city-- not the dangerously beautiful land she had hoped for. Lines of shops bordered the water's edge, and small crowds of tourists wandered toward them immediately after departing the ship. Vivian shook her head with disgust. 'Magikarp headed for the bait.' As per usual, the habits of people had begun to irritate her.
The teen stretched. It was about time for her to get moving, the journey wasn't going to start itself after all. And if this region wasn't going to present her with an abundance of thrilling adventures.. well, she was determined to spice things up on her own. She nodded at this thought, a tiny smile toying at the edges of her plump lips.
"Hey," Her fingers outstretched, tapping on the shoulder of a large man. Unlike the common tourists, he didn't wear a camera or carry bags -- so she assumed he might know his way around this town. "Where can I find the Lab?" She inquired, unwrinkling a flyer that had been stuffed in her pocket. She pointed to a picture of the large white building, her fingers running down to the advertisement for 'free Pok?mon' typed in bold print at the bottom of the page.
The man didn't bother looking at the paper. His gruff features contorted into a smile that seemed plastered unwillingly onto his lips. Dreary eyes drifted toward the nearest main road, and he stuttered out a plain list of directions, explaining that the building resided a mere five minutes from the docks. Vivian wrinkled her nose as the man's stench filled her nostrils. A fisherman-- and a damn smelly one at that. She swiveled toward the indicated direction, offering no farewell or gratitude to the stranger.
The girl wandered through the streets, absolutely pleased with the warmth that radiated from the summer sun above. It was the perfect weather for her; clear skies and drastic heat allowed for short cut shirts and miniature dresses. Her favorite! That thought seemed to cheer her up, and a gentle skip merged into every step. Eventually, she arrived at her destination-- beaming confidentially as she neared the large building’s entrance.
“Hello~!” Vivian called, swinging the door open without bothering to knock. She figured labs should be used to that sort of entry, especially ones as popular as this particular place.
[/blockquote][/sub][/spoiler]
Vivian peered curiously at the building’s interior; it wasn’t quite the beautiful laboratory she expected, but she supposed it didn’t matter much. The only aspect that had any true value was the Pok?mon she was soon going to own, and hopefully it wouldn’t be as unkempt as this lab. She took a few steps in, and as soon as her greeting words left her lips, a man was already prepared to assist her. She had to admit, his promptness was very appealing.
She was soon distracted as a little Bulbasaur attempted to make it through the door behind her. “Cutey~” She cooed, reaching down in an attempt to stroke grass type’s round head. She had a soft spot for Kanto starters-- there was nothing she would love more than collecting all three of them some day.
Eventually, she turned her attention back toward the assistant. “Why thank you for the welcome, Hakouro.” She nodded, beaming. “I am here for a Pok?mon but.. do you mind if we sit? I’d like to chat with you for a bit.” Vivian was being oddly polite, and it wasn’t without purpose. The ’chatting’ she suggested was far from aimless babble. She had a curiosity to quench, and she hoped this particular man could assist her with more than just merely getting her first Pok?mon. She was also hoping for her first taste of Mysste's culture.
The short girl pulled out a swivel chair and plopped down into it, crossing her bare legs over each other. She leaned forward, resting her arms on a nearby desk.
“First of all, as for the Pok?mon choices.. I was wondering if you have any Charmander, Squirtle, or Bulbasaur available today? I could settle with something else.. But, well, nothing beats the Kanto starters from my opinion.” She nodded, tapping her finger against her chin as she attempted to properly form her next words.
"I also.. I would love to know quite a bit about the region. Honestly, I came here without knowing what I was getting myself into. I've heard these whispers about.. something called Night Shade, was it?" Her 'brows wrinkled with slight confusion. "Would you mind explaining these people to me? If you have any free time, that is."
Not that she expected him to decline. How hard could this job be? Surely the man had time to chat with her-- or so she assumed. He probably spent most of his day merely talking to people like herself, afterall. As far as she was concerned it was his duty, and if he made any motion to refuse her request-- well, she would come back to see this Professor person.. for complaints, not Pok?mon.
Vivian reclined in the cool sand, ignoring the fact that the granules were clinging to her clothes and hair and making a mess out of her simplistic outfit. Visions of her fantasized future filled her mind -- images of her singlehandedly conquering Team Night Shade and restoring peace. The girl was certain that such a future was inevitable for her. She had taken the first step-- obtaining a starter Pok?mon. Now, she merely had to continue on her path to fame and glory.
"Morphine." The girl whispered, grinning as she held the creature's Pok?ball upward in the air. The red and white sphere glittered beneath the dark night sky, stars and moonlight reflecting prettily off the ball's slick surface. She could practically feel it now-- the powerful heat of the future Charizard within her fingertips. And now, it was time to release such power.
Her hand slipped over the capsule's circular button, causing the sphere to split. A glowing light emerged, swirling for a moment before it quickly solidified into the form of a small Pok?mon.
The creature stood still for a moment, observing her surroundings quietly. Eventually, her round eyes found the figure of Vivian. "Char!" She squealed, immediately outstretching her miniature arms and waddling toward her new trainer. The fire-type grabbed onto the girl's leg, hugging it tightly to her chest.
"Hey, hey. Personal space." The girl grunted, rather surprised by the strange Pok?mon's greeting. She shook her foot a bit, but the creature didn't let go. "Well. Um. I'm Vivian, and your new name is Morphine." She muttered, sighing. This particular charmander wasn't exactly what she had in mind for her future plans of conquering..
The girl pulled out a set of seven small rare candies. "If I give you a treat, will you get off me?" She dangled them in front of the little Pok?mon. Morphine's eyes widened, and she lunged for the tasty items. The creature gobbled every single one of them up, her tail's fire quickly expanding-- showing her rapid gain in levels.
"Good girl." Her trainer complimented as she stumbled to her feet. She wiped every bit of sand from her white dress, running her fingers hastily through her hair in an attempt to cleanse it. "Now lets go find some new Pok?mon, shall we sweety?"
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Post by meno on Aug 8, 2009 10:22:55 GMT -5
acck. I wish I had some recent role playing samples. D: But, I don't. /fails But I do have these little random things that I wrote quite awhile back, so, wasn't even apart of a role play, just writing for the sake thereof. xDD but, um, no replies or anything like are going to be this big. xD I promise, feel free just to read, like, the first half or whatever. Oh and, you'll probably notice all of my lovely fragmented sentences! /shame I'm not an essay writer so I don't write properly when it comes to structure, this is just how I'm comfortable writing. Cx And yes, the last example is a continuation of the first one. /shutsupThe adrenaline rush, the immense over-whelming feeling of fear, the pure ecstasy of knowing he was overcoming others, the feeling of his heartbeat it was everywhere; in his chest, legs, and his ears, it was as if he could actually feel the blood in his mainstream flow, or maybe that was just the drugs taking effect. He didn't know. He didn't care. Nothing mattered at that moment, it was as if the world around him just melted, the agonizing pain in his legs numbed and the various shouting voices behind him laced with blaring sirens, all of them, quickly faded in the background. Nothingness. It was pure bliss, the bliss of nothing.
That was his true high.
Barely even aware of his surroundings, the boy took a swift side-step into one of the various alleyways. It was dark. Too dark, the various streetlights among the roads created no help; most of them were broken and smashed in, and what was worse was that the glass from the streetlights was scattered among the streets and sidewalks, no one cared to picked them up. No one cared. In result, sharp shards of the forgotten material had punctured and ripped into the boy's beaten up sneakers, often slicing all the way through and splicing through his skin; worming their way in the soft flesh, like a tick digging into the brain, burrowing farther the more he ran, drawing blood as they did. It hurt, a lot, but it didn't matter he couldn't focus properly, thus he discarded the pain as if it was boring nuisance. There was no way it could hurt, not for Rowan.
Not anymore.
As the cold air entered his lungs a stinging pain was a quick result, even now breathing was a pain to endure, as his muscles grew more and more weary he knew he had to stop before he hurt himself to a degree where there was no return. Of course this fact didn't hit him straight on, it simply laid in his subconscious, nagging at him to comply before he would face the deadly consequence of over-working his body, like he was.
And soon the nagging won over his single-track insouciant mind, and his body slowed in a quick, unflattering, jerking motion. Throwing his being up against the the brick wall to his left side with a rancorous grunt, he knocked the breath out of his chest, as he was already gasping like a fish out of water. Not feeling the pain that would've surged through his spine when his back collided with the sturdy wall, Rowan let out a loud laugh, it was breathy, obviously from the lack thereof, but it certainly didn't sound right. "Yes! Fuck yes! I won! Stupid fuckers." Clenching his free hand in pure bliss and agony, a large grin was bared on his face, slightly yellowed-teeth on display for the darkness to take in with disdain.
In his right hand was a small paper brown bag, and in the pocket of his sweater was a carton of cigarettes, both stolen, thus both as sweet as a summer's morning. Of course, it was the contents within the bag and carton that the boy would be enjoying later however, just the fact that he had stolen them and thus were now his, just that fact alone brought him great pleasure. Was there no greater joy than knowing that you were better than others? Rowan could only name very few, one of them being indulging in the various laurels that fell into his possession, however their few moments only lasted so long, like a trip in a ephemeral haven only lingering for moments, leaving you wishing for more. A teasing bitch. That's what they were. Just like a concubine off the street, these drugs were no different.
A monotonous release.
Breath finally slowing down to a steady rate, the boy's heart was still pulsating vehemently, sending shock waves of pressure reeling through his body, which Rowan couldn't help but grin lustfully at, small giggles of pleasure escaping his throat here and there. Suddenly feeling his thighs and calves go very cold, he leaned the majority of his weight on the brick wall, attempting to find much needed support. Support, he needed that more than one would assume. Hell, like he would ever accept it. Feeling his own legs go numb, that familiar 'pins-and-needles' experience taking over, the boy felt his knees buckle and collapsed, quickly finding his ass touch down to cold concrete. Luckily, he was hard of feeling, if not he would've felt that sharp shooting pain of his tail bone smashing against the hard pavement beneath. A certain bruise in the morning.
Head lolling upward to look to the dark sky, the male could have sworn that he spotted the elusive glint of a star in the polluted night sky, or perhaps it was just a airplane. That massive, gaseous cloud that settled over the city like a deadly miasma, poisoning all below, it blocked most vision from anything within the closer atmospheres, even the sun was scarce to see during the day. A world plunged into darkness. How ironic. How metaphorical.
Load of bullshit.
Feeling the numbness crawling into his lower abdomen, Rowan quickly clambered upwards, using his one hand to heave himself up right, dropping the brown paper bag next to him with a twitch, he made a mental note not to forget about it. His fingers and wrists were rather twitchy and disobedient today, jerking and twisting in ways that they were not proper to witness, nasty things they were. Letting his spidery hands convulse for a moment or two, Rowan flicked his wrist out harshly, as if to stop them, a sharp cracking noise breaking a murmured silence; horribly weak joints. Using his now compliant hands, the boy dug through the front pockets of his navy-blue sweater, fumbling with unknown contents reverently, as if he was being clocked by some imaginary time limit.
It looked like a tremor of movement was coiled within the broken and stained sweaters' innards, but rather it was just the male's hands attempting to tear open the carton of cigarettes, rushing, jolting. Racing against the pleasure, against the bliss, against the numbness that would soon overcome his entire being. He had to win. Always. No question to it, he would beat it, just like he had beat everything else, he would win. Winning. Just that thought made Rowan giggle with great glee.
Tearing open the plastic wrapper that covered the outside like the chitinous body of a fly, he quickly tossed it out of his sweater, unto the ground, away from his being, letting the thin layer of covering tumble amongst the alley, discarded, unused, unloved. Abruptly, Rowan felt immense pity for that sheet of plastic wrap, and threw his upper body forward to catch it as it dwindled along the concrete. Damn, his useless legs, now it looked like he was crawling, like some fucking dog. Snatching the wrapper, he the let the odd fabric become entangled in his stringy fingers before heaving his body weight up against the wall, holding the plastic material with care, as if it had feelings, Rowan folded it up neatly into a small square-like shape and slid it into his denim pocket. There. No more pity. No more uselessness. No more nothingness. At least the plastic wrapper would be gleeful now.
Lucky bastard
Trying his best to steady his jittery hands, Rowan managed to grasp the carton once again, flicking open the tab and pinching the soft material of a cigarette. Ripping it away from the carton and out of his sweater with dramatic-sense of trepidation, Rowan moved with such impulsiveness that he lost grip of the cigarette tip and sent it flying half way down the alley's long stretch. "Fuck me!" He cursed loudly, voice echoing in loud booms through the alley and back corner, which received him a lot of odd stares from the various homeless. He didn't care. He couldn't. He didn't know they were there. Not even acknowledging their beings. Considering dragging his half respondent body to the accidentally thrown cancer stick, the boy quickly discarded the thought with a grunt. That traitor, that's what it was, destined to jump from his grasp as soon as it saw the allure of the night. That son of a bitch. It deserved to rot there and become useless. Proving its existence as nothing but a hindrance. "Shows it right..." Muttering his breath, Rowan quickly fumbled around for another stick of tobacco, this time moving very, very slowly, taking at least a solid minute before the cigarette was placed between his pallid lips. As if believing that was all it was to it, the boy's brown eyes widened remembering how there was a next step in all this, using his wild hands, he slapped various places on his body, jean pockets, chest, sweater fronts, even legs and arms, attempting to find some imaginary lighter he had tucked away for safe keeping. Alas, there was nothing, the painful search proved fruitless, leaving Rowan with an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. Until he found a proper source of heat and flame, the cigarette was useless, and he was losing his infinite game. Like, Hell would he let that stand. Not now, not ever.
He would win. He would prove himself useful. May it be the last thing Rowan King ever accomplished.
That light bulb needed to be changed, he would surely make a more tangible note of that later on. The swinging lamp above his head creaked and whined as it cradled back a forth, moving the stream of flicking light as it did, causing more stress upon his already pained and stressed eyes. With the mixture of the predominate weakness of his retinas, the lack of rest they got, the strain from working in the dark, and inconsistent amount of light they received to work in said darkness he would surely be blind before his fifties. To be completely honest, with his unhealthy work ethic he would surely die before he reached fifty, yet that all didn't matter to him, not now. Which was rather odd for someone like Taro, someone who constantly calculated the most likely possible result to an action never realized what harm he was causing his own body to withstand. Or perhaps he did, perhaps he was aware yet he wasn't conflicted with such thoughts because to him work came before health. Which seemed illogical for someone so logical.
Papers were scattered all over the table that he was sitting at, all covered with black ink of a pen that was used to create a neat handwriting; all notes, formulas, and failed answers. He would get someone else, in the morning, to file them all for him, because even though they weren't right answers they could still be used and learned from. Thus useful. Pale, slender fingers gripped the black ballpoint pen a little too tightly and the muscles in his hand worked furiously to create legible words on paper. His dark eyes were darting back and forth tirelessly as if they were faster then his hand itself, and even though, on the outside, he seemed like he was working arduously it was his mind that was working the hardest.
So close, so damn close... The answer, so close... where is it ...?
It was four twenty-seven in the morning, everyone else that worked at the Laboratory within the Migoto-Satoko Manor had been dismissed at eight o'clock earlier yesterday, however many chose to stay an extra hour or so just to finish up the work they had progressed so carefully on beginning at ten o'clock yesterday morning. Afterwards, Taro was commonly left alone to work in silence into the late hours of the night straight into the early hours of the dawn, thus seeming to the outside that he was a man who never slept. However, akin to other humans, he was not impervious to a lack of sleep it easily showed through his personality and appearance; dark circles colored under his almond shaped eyes and his personality grew more irritable with each passing day, although he never had the strength to argue with the people he provoked.
Taro realized six months after he had adopted this case from his younger brother --more like stole-- that it had grown to be one of the hardest cases that he had ever worked on. He had done it before, multiple of times, all by different companies; be assigned to a group of alleged scientist and be given a case to research upon, or find a solution to. Easier said than done. This one was so different, so much more difficult: To find a cure for the Pok?mon and Human Hybrids. And even though they had found so many different ways to reproduce and generate such cells for useful purposes, they hadn't been able to find a way to destroy the already grown and attached DNA cells. They had already created a suppressant drug for stopping further mutation of cells, they were already near the completion for a theory of creating healthy organs within a host, Hell they even saved a life with the research they were able to procure... yet the answer they were searching for from the very beginning chose to stay elusive. And this haunted Taro to no end.
Just knowing that there was an answer that he hadn't found, knowing that he was deficient at something, knowing that he didn't know an answer, knowing that he was inadequate, unsuccessful, insufficient, a failure. It drove him insane. Taro had been raised his entire life forced to believe that failure was never an option and those that fail just wash away and die with the rest. It was an eternal strife to become perfection, because to him it was either perfection or death. No one ever told him any different, thus he kept on the believing the ill-will within his own mind. Every time he thought of food his mind told him that he was too busy for food, every time he thought of having an actual conversation with someone his mind told him he was too unprosperous to deserve healthy interaction, when he thought of sleep his mind told him: failures don't sleep.
This vicious cycle of a self-attacking mind was the only thing that kept him going with his work, it was also the only thing that kept him derived of all his basic needs. A soul that was constricted by the ever working mind, he nearly seemed drone-like or robotic at times, yet no one worried or cared because that seemed like Taro just acting like cold Taro. In the end, each day carried out like every other day, and everyone considered it to be normal.
Dotting a period at the end of a rather long sentence, Taro dropped the pen slowly and propped both of his elbows on the desk in front of him, carefully removing his glasses and placing them upside-down to his right. Taro gave a harsh blink to his dry eyes and allowed his face to rest within his hands, breathing to turned-up palms. Shaking his head from side to side slowly it was obvious to any watcher that he was tired, stressed, agitated and all the other emotions that were used to calculate the word 'upset'. But, obviously, there were no watchers, everyone was sleeping, because they were allowed the grace of sleeping [save for a handful of Pokemorphs']. Breathing a long and rather peaceful sigh, Taro removed his face from within the cradling caress of his palms and let his right hand run though his long black bangs, pulling them back slightly and then letting them fall back unto his face as his hand pulled away. His hair needed a good trimming, and the back of it was starting to curl around the nape of his neck and his bangs were starting to hang in front of his eyes, which was honestly very annoying, but his warring mind wouldn't allow any sort of self-indulgence.
His dark-eyes wandered for a moment, peering outside the office window to gaze at the Lab. Rows and rows of tables covered with vials, chemicals, tools, everything the team needed to conduct the research they did. It would be rather cold within the Lab if one were to step in, the automated cooling system kicked in after midnight each morning where cold air was pumped into the Laboratory, essentially killing non-wanted bacteria, but keeping the chemicals at stable temperatures. Hence why it was more comfortable to retreat within his office to do paperwork during the early hours. Letting his eyes slowly descend from the window-view, the Japanese man lifted his body from the office chair using his arms as supports, his whole body moving slowly; the lack of sleep was taking a tole on his physical strength. Moving around the desk he quietly shuffled over the window and laced his fingers to the string that dangled idly from the top ledge, tugging on it a few times, the white coloured blinds fell noisily in turn covering up the window he had been peering through just moments ago. Taking a moment to rub a tired eye with the base of a palm, he made his was back to his seat and sat very slowly, as if every muscle ached within his body.
The swinging lamp that dangled above flickered a couple times as Taro's body met the chair, as if mocking him; "You really think blocking the view of the Laboratory, something that distracted you, is going to make you work harder? Make the answer easier to find? You stupid, stupid boy. You'll never find the answer. Not you." Taro closed his ill eyes for a moment, as if taking in the words his crazed mind projected to him, but only for a moment and shortly after he opened them wide and bent his back against the chair's frame, tilted his head upwards and peered into the light bulb that continued to waver. "Oh, yes, you heard me. You'll never find the answer, not you, ever. You're far too incapable to do so, too stupid, too foolish, simply too incapable. What were you thinking? Taking on a case like this? You completely ruined it. They would've found the answer long ago if it wasn't for you. You ruined everything. You horrible, horrible, boy." Another side of his mind was surely saying all this to him, but right now it appeared as if it was being projected off the lamp above, swinging, creaking, laughing at him.
Narrowing his eyes out of frustration, doubt and inability, he could only murmur in a quiet voice, which sounded rather feeble and weak for someone who was commonly so confident. "Something's wrong." Was it morning or was it still the evening? Perhaps it was the afternoon, or the dusk or dawn between the two, the variation of a parallel between time. He didn't know, but it didn't matter to him what the time was, it didn't matter to him whether the moon or sun was raised or slumbering, he didn't care. It wasn't that he didn't have the time on hand, or that he even needed the time, he was too preoccupied with the illusions his mind was procuring. Fluttering eyelids, trails of sweat dancing awkwardly down his sallow forehead and cheeks, and his mouth forming inaudible, unknowing words, from the common passerbys' outlook it seemed as if the boy was lost in a dream when he had drifted off into a calming sleep, however that could only be so simplistic that it wasn't true. Rather it was a nightmare of dragging the past from within the far corners of his mind, relapsing the visions into tangible illusions during sleep; a sheer sign that the drugs he had taken the night before had lost their flavour.
It was the early dawns of the morning, the sun was just beginning to creep over the far, unseen horizon and the dark expanse of the night was starting to bleed into fairer shades of blue. The stars were beginning to dissipate into nothingness and the moon was running away, like a coward, from it's rival and friend known as the sun. Rowan had fallen asleep in the alleyway he had collapsed in yesterday during the late night hours, he hadn't even been aware of his slipping consciousness, if he were to assume now he would place blame upon the drugs he had taken shortly before he had found the alleyway in his flee from the law. The heroin had worked quickly, as always, and sent him into a groggy state of lethargy, which in turn stole his consciousness during the night.
With his back using the wall as a heavy support, and his head idly lolling to his right shoulder, Rowan would've looked rather peaceful sleeping in the cool dawn of the morning, rather if it weren't for the cigarette butt that was balanced in his mouth ungracefully and the blood seeping out of the holes in his shoes. He was able to find a proper source of lighting for the cigarette from a bin fire that a group of fellow homeless had procured before he had passed out, and the broken glass that slashed into his feet from the night before took their toll as he slept, but now the bleeding had coagulated and dried, to result in a hot crimson numbness that would've sent Rowan reeling in pleasure, that is if he was awake to feel it.
In the serene quiet of the early morning, the silence was abruptly broken with shouts and yells from down the other end of the alley's length. 'There he is! The punk who stole from me!' Amongst such accusations were other various exclamations and then the steady rumble beat of feet moving swiftly in Rowan's direction. Like a stampede of buffalo, incessant and senseless.
It only took the first voice to make Rowan grunt and open one eye groggily, wondering what woke him up, more so wondering where he was. Upon hearing the rhythm feet and feeling the ground beneath him rattle and quake, Rowan was on his feet quicker than the movement of rain, his eyes went wide with excitement and his pupils dilated slowly out of fear, he knew a chase would ensue, which, honestly, wasn't his ideal way to start a morning, but at least it wouldn't be a boring morning. "Come and get me ya' bastards!" He chided them with a grin, throwing the miniature mob of four people the bird and starting on his anti-heroic escape.
Although, the grin from his face quickly left him when he began to run, he feet stung like wildfire. Now that the drugs from last night had ran their course Rowan was now vulnerable to pain again, feeling the sweet sting in his feet, the painful ache of the bruise on his tailbone, and the soreness of his muscles in his back. He grated his teeth together and every breath became a shallow gasp from the pain, he realized he couldn't run like this for long, not like he usually could.
Funny, in the most ironic way, that his morning would start the same way his night had began. Talk about being a beacon for bad luck.
Frantically, Rowan's mind began searching for random Plan B's, getting caught was certainly something he was not going to tolerate with him, not now, not ever. His level of stubborn behavior was certainly sui generis. The desultory track of his mind scattered his sense with effort, raising his fear and frustration to high lengths, he used these negative feelings to push past the pain, for just a little longer, give his mind more time to think.
Then the answer hit him as he passed by a familiar food joint; Hylan. His hustler, his friend his house was around here, and Rowan knew exactly where the other man hid the key, perfect. A hideout, a small little restoration area; thank God for helpful hustlers.
Cornering various alleyways, Rowan made sure to get a good length ahead of his pursuers before taking the right street that would lead him to his destination. Early morning wakers didn't look incredibly surprised to see a dirty looking mongrel like Rowan running away from older authority, around these parts, it was seemingly the norm. Which was a brilliant plus on Rowan's behalf: no one cared enough for their fellow man to try and stop him. Just wonderful.
Seeing his point of recluse, the brunette jumped the fence, which hurt like a bitch on the landing, sucking in a wince Rowan ducked down as he made his way to the back door. This was all so natural to him, an everyday habit, a scheduled game of cat and mouse. His whole body moving with a frightening sense of panic, it took him a bit before he found the key underneath the welcome mat, and it took him even longer to unlock the damn door to get in, but he did, eventually.
As he trudged into the house, slamming the door vehemently, he caught his breath in violent heaves. It was dark. All around, no light. Everything was quiet, except for his ragged breaths. Rowan was suddenly worried, where was Hylan? Was he okay?
Urged by these impulsive thoughts, Rowan darted forward on his bruised and sore feet. And he realized the different sound from feet against road to feet against smooth floorboard tiles, and then there was pang of comfort. Hylan would be okay, and so would he. A small smile graced Rowan's face, knowing this, breathing multiple sighs of relief, Rowan lethargically made his way to the kitchen and sat himself on one of the stools placed along the kitchen's island table. His whole body sagged and his breaths were louder than the thoughts in his head.
"... the fuck?"
A sudden light blinded Rowan temporarily, yet he didn't jump from the voice, it was all too familiar, if anything, it comforted him immensely. "Mornin'." Was all the brunette said, giving a lazy two-finger salute and a lackadaisical grin, but it was bright and cheery, which was always a funny thing to see on Rowan's face.
Hylan's cross expression just dissolved into a small chuckle and then a sigh, as if he predicted this to happen. "You look like shit, and," he took a moment to look at the hardwood floor, which had be decorated with pretty red streaks. "You got blood all over my floor." His voice was casual, which wasn't only attributed to his personality, but to his lack of surprises in life, this really wasn't something unusual to him.
"Oh, uhh--" Rowan scratched the back of his head sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders, couldn't a Swiffer just get rid of those marks? "About that--"
"Let's go get you cleaned up." Was all Hylan said, as if he was Rowan's mother.
Rowan scoffed indignantly, seemingly ignoring Hylan's kind offer, but followed him anyway. No one was going to see this acceptance as weakness, right?
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Post by αℓℓı on Aug 8, 2009 10:36:47 GMT -5
RippyUhm, next time, please read more carefully. Your first example is an introduction, and we asked for non-introductory examples. Okay, well, other than the fact that you missed that somehow...
Your writing is quite good. Only thing is, and I've said this on here before, "~" is not punctually correct. If you want a sound to be drawn out, just write that the sound was drawn out. Also, something else I've said--in Rhy's review, actually. After dialogue, if there is an action connected ("Dialogue," she said/she spat/she hissed.), the first letter after should be lower-case; if it is not connected ("Forget it." He turned around, blahblahstrippedblahblah.), then it is capital. I see a lot of people make this mistake, so it's not a big deal.
Other than that, your word choice is very interesting and you paint a vivid picture. I vote accepted, but mind that Jen has to add her own reviews, as well. Jen's review.I have very little to add to Alli's review, as she seems to have addressed the key points to a tee, and I've had many months to read your roleplay posts, so I've got a sort of hands-on look at your style and such. I agree with Alli and vote accepted. MenoOH HEY YOU. So, I always choose a random one of the three required samples and read a random portion first before doing anything. I chose your second example, and read the first paragraph, and let me say that the picture it painted in my mind was absolutely lovely. Now, you said you have fragmented sentences, and I really didn't see any--but then, I only read random portions of the samples, so I may have missed them. Now I don't know if you still write fragments, but just be mindful of them; sometimes they are actually okay, if you are trying to create tension or suspense for example. Other times they really bother people like me (such as: Jane waited in the rain. Wishing she brought her umbrella.) and are simply painful to read. But a little read-through before posting to edit usually catches these.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed your samples (at least, the random pieces I read, because I already know you're a great roleplayer). I absolutely adore your writing style, and we still need to RP together sometime. D:<
I vote accepted, so unless Jen comes in and failhammerz you, you're good. xD Jen's review.Well, I find this rather pointless, though I did read your examples anyway, just to be formal, and I don't have anything else to add. Accepted. <33
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Kit
Newcomer
Posts: 5
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Post by Kit on Aug 8, 2009 17:29:37 GMT -5
c: Hello!
Cancer grinned as the outcome of the battle seemed to be going really rather well. The trainer had already called back on of her Pok?mon and the other had just punched itself in the face. It had to be confused. Cancer's eyes narrowed with delight; brilliant.
The mime junior watched as the machop fell into a state of confusion. He giggled slightly as she flailed her arms around, before a sharp command from his trainer brought him back to the battle, "She won't retaliate. Another confusion." Cancer called out, placing her hands on her hips and smiling. The psychic type nodded and concentrated on sending another blast of its confusion attack. The super-effective attacks were sure to defeat the fighting type before too long.
This trainer wasn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, but obviously Cancer was better! She smirked to herself, before noticing the little clefairy hop into battle. It was kinda cute, in that sickly, overpowering way. Ketamine, however, wasn't amused that her opponent had given up so quickly. She snarled at the clefairy before lunging forwards with a focus punch. After her attack, she stepped back a few places, growling at the clefairy. Why was it singing? Why wasn't it fighting? She snarled again, but found her eyelids drooping. Within moments, she was curled up on the ground; a sight that was so sweet compared to the aggressive beast she was before.
Cancer sighed angrily. A sleeping Pok?mon was never good during a battle, but Ketamine would probably be strong enough to survive any future attacks. And when she awoke, she'd be less than happy...
Cancer laughed slightly as the machamp pulled the can out of her grasp. Who ever heard of a Pok?mon drinking beer? She decided to remain composed and simply lowered her hand, smiling at the fighting type. "Oh dear."
She listened to the male's speech with a grin twitching at the corners of her mouth. She blushed slightly at the reference to loving money and she purred, "I happen to like expensive things." She purred, a hand absent-mindedly fingering the expensive gold bracelet around her thin wrist.
At his challenge, the female would couldn't help but allow a grin to slip past her careful guard. "A drinking contest?" She repeated with a laugh, "I wasn't planning on getting drunk until this evening, but who am I to say no to an early start." She flicked her hair off her shoulders, adjusting the large bag and looking the male in the eye. This adventure business was turning out to be quite fun after all. She'd barely been in the region more than an hour or two and here was being challenged to a drinking contest with a laboratory aide.
"I must say, I never expected to be served by someone so interesting. There I was thinking it was all geeks in glasses." She said, placing a tender hand on his arm. Oh, flattery would get you anywhere. Or at least a rare Pok?mon. He'd said that there was a secret supply of rare ones. Her mind flicked towards the tyrannitars she'd seen on the television. One of those would be nice. Or maybe an aggron. She smiled. What a perfect encounter this was turning out to be. She had the opportunity to win a rare Pok?mon as well as a chance to get smashed in the company of this rather dashing man. And all for free. How wonderful.
Pausing a moment to think about the conditions, she broke into a smile, "So, all I have to do is drink some beer and I'll get a rare Pok?mon?" She asked, eyes narrowing, "They had better be something good." She purred, although she didn't make it clear whether she was referring to the Pok?mon or the alcohol. Knowing Cancer, it was probably both.
"Shall we get started?" She clapped her hands together, an excited smile on her face. Hakouro led her down a corridor and she took the oppotunity to study him from behind. Yes, he certainly looked rather strong. She could probably still get him into bed if she wanted to. Her eyes narrowed; he didn't seem the type to want to be clingy afterwards. Cheap sex was always fun.
Cancer followed him into a room and looked around, placing her elegant hands on her hips as she studied the amount of alcohol. There certainly was a lot. She eyed up the expensive wine especially. She was never a big fan of beer. Yes, she could drink it but she always found it boring. Like she'd said before, she liked expensive things. She glanced at the man, before teasingly saying, "I've been to birthday parties with more to drink."
She grinned at him, before walking up to the table and picking up a can of standard beer. It would have been rude to take some of the wine and she wanted to remain on his good side. She opened it and smiled at Hakouro flirtatiously, "Cheers."
Cancer watched as her Pok?mon charged at the mouse-like creature. The azurill, instead of defending itself against the charmander's attack, ran towards him angrily. The resulting collision seemed to hurt her charmander quite a bit as he stumbled back, clutching his head with a grumble. Cancer frowned slightly for a moment, before her Pok?mon shook its head as if shaking off the pain and looked towards the battle ahead.
Cancer nodded, "Good." She murmured, before her attention was distracted by the azurill. She watched it intently as it used it's spherical tail to bounce off of a large silver rock that was lying nearby. It leaped into the high, before finding itself trapped on a branch in a little tree. She rose an eyebrow. That was impressive.
"Hmm." She murmured as she watched the strange little creature try and escape its entrapment. An azurill was a rather simple Pok?mon but it's evolved forms were popular. And it was pretty cute. Perhaps she could sell it for a reasonable price should she decide to capture to blue mouse. She smiled to herself before gasping as the azurill fell from the tree. "Oh!" She squeaked, before a wave of dizziness overcame her and she giggled slightly. The charmander glanced at her with a slightly confused expression. She certainly was a strange trainer. The charmander, of course, wasn't completely aware of the trainer's slightly drunken state, but it wasn't really all that different from normality.
Cancer gathered her senses back together, swallowing her giggles as she watched the azurill un-bury itself and crawl out of the sad. It definately wasn't looking terrible happy with itself. Was that a tear? Cancer snorted maliciously as the baby Pok?mon tottered around. It probably felt almost as dizzy as Cancer did, although thankfully the teenager was sitting down and not running about like that Pok?mon was.
She turned her attention back to her charmander, ignoring the fact her vision was more than a little blurry. "Darling, attack it while it's trying to find its feet." She purred. The fire type nodded slowly; feeling a little guilty at attacking the creature while it was unable to attack back. However, that last attack had rather hurt, and if he could avoid such an attack... Perhaps the sneaky fighting would be worth it. He growled slightly, trying to sound scary to which his trainer smiled, before running towards the azurill. A small roar left his jaws as he brought his claws down to try and strike the normal type.
Cancer nodded to herself, wanting to win. The battle was actually quite interesting and her heart was thundering as she watched. Perhaps being a trainer wouldn't be too bad.
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Post by bijuu. on Aug 10, 2009 19:10:11 GMT -5
Kit
The first thing I really noticed about your writing is the fact that you seem to forget to capitalize the Pokémons' species names. Capitalization, spelling, and grammar are three things I can be a real Nazi about and I'm just saying it here as well. Your style is neat and well-written, small grammatical and spelling errors aside.
Now, in this case, it seems as if you've just plowed through a mod post and replied only to everything in said mod's post. Quite frankly, and I'll be blunt, that's not gonna fly here. While your third example is, length-wise, more the standard we're looking for, it's lacking description of what the character herself is thinking, feeling, and the surroundings around her. Like I said before, it seems as though you're just replying to whatever your partner/mod is writing, and this makes a post rather bland to read, 'cause you're essentially just rewriting what your mod/partner wrote from the viewpoint of your own character, plus the one or two things your own character is doing.
I'll leave this here for now, until Alli writes up her own review, and I'll discuss it more with her.
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Kit
Newcomer
Posts: 5
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Post by Kit on Aug 12, 2009 5:16:17 GMT -5
Ahhh, okay. :) I understand what you mean about the replying to posts and I guess it's pretty much right. I'll be trying to improve that from now on.
The thing about Pok?mon names is just.. I guess I considered them like a species. And you generally wouldn't capitalize dog or tiger in a sentence, would you? I guess that's just me. :P
Thanks for your honest thoughts though. I could try writing another sample with more 'emotion' and whatnot if that helps at all. I do really like this site. :/
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